5 Ways to Make Hard Decisions A Little Easier
Two days ago Missy woke up with her stomach in knots because she had to call our maid, M., to fire her. M. had been cleaning our house for the last few years but she’s been getting progressively worse. She went on vacation for 2 weeks and we started using Missy’s sister’s maid and they’ve been way more thorough. So now it was time to let M. go but Missy had been procrastinating about it.
She’s been putting this off for nearly 2 weeks now and it got me thinking about our ‘tough’ decisions. Like most everyone else I too have struggled with making the kind of decisions that leave us feeling uncomfortable.
It’s easier to keep putting them off but that doesn’t do any good.
I know any time I’ve had a decision weighing on me it’s something that keeps nagging at me and leaves me feeling uneasy. But when I finally make the hard call or have the difficult it’s never really as bad as I had worked it up to be. In fact, I’ve found the longer you ruminate on it the worse it gets.
Thinking back here are a few vivid examples that spring to mind…
Buying Our First Place…
When Missy and I were engaged we lived in a one-bedroom apartment in Bethesda, MD. It’s a great place because you can walk everywhere and there are towns of restaurants and quaint shops. (In fact, I tell visitors that Bethesda has the most restaurants per square foot of any city. I’m not 100% sure that’s an accurate fact but I think it’s true and it sounds good.) 
Anyway, the two of us really loved it there but wanted some place bigger. Plus, this was the time when my online business first started taking off. So we went searching for a place in Bethesda – but everything was pretty over-priced (or we thought it was anyway). But we found a nice 2-bedroom apartment in our building but it faced the opposite side from where we lived at the time. It overlooked NIH (National Institute of Health) and the view was nothing special. What’s more, the sun hit that side in the morning instead of the afternoon like our other place we were currently renting.
Regardless, we wanted to buy our own place and decided within a few days to buy the place. Then it started…
We both should have been really excited but we weren’t. Come to think of it we were sort of depressed the next day. What had we done?
Missy ended up calling up one of her sorority friends, Gina, who was an attorney to see what we could do to get out of the contract. I can’t remember the exact specifics on number of days but it was something like 3 days you could rescind the contract with a written notification. We had a letter drafted and delivered it our real estate agent (who also lived in our building) at the 11th hour. But it was done and we didn’t have to go through with buying the apartment. Ahhhh…..Joy & relief took hold again.
The big lesson for me here was we didn’t listen to our gut feeling about it not feeling right. I know that sounds wishy-washy and woo-woo – but I don’t think enough people (especially men) pay attention to their gut. 2 interesting follow-ups on this:
1) My best friend, John, did buy an apartment in our building too. His faced the side of the street we liked and he ended up making a tidy profit when he sold a few years later.
2) When we bought our first house – the gut feeling was right and Missy instantly knew she was in the right spot. (Same with our current place.)
Breaking Away from My Dad’s Business…
Definitely one of the biggest decisions gnawing at me for awhile was whether or not to leave my Father’s medical equipment sales & service business. Originally when I started working with him (since I was 14 selling latex gloves) and thought that I would work in it to really grow it. But I started getting the ‘itch’ to go on my own in 1998.
That’s when I started experimenting with the information marketing business selling to doctors resources and tools on how to get more cosmetic patients. I remember the very first ad I ran – it was a little classified ad in Dermatologic Surgery Journal. I ended up getting exactly 10 leads. Now I didn’t have my course ready but I had a 30-page sales letter to mail out. I sent it to all 10 leads and waited…and waited…and waited.
Nothing.
Every time the fax machine rang at my Dad’s office I’d go up there to see if it was an order. (I was using his fax # on my order page to save money.) It was like some sort of Pavlovian conditioning where I’d hear the dial tones and start running – but to no avail.
I sent out a 2nd notice and still nothing. Finally, I mailed out a 3rd notice highlighting the approaching deadline for all the bonuses (I had yet to create). On the final day of the deadline – I went up to the fax machine to watch it slooooooooowly print out my very first order for $900! It was awesome! I can still remember that feeling. After I peeled myself off the ceiling – I realized I had to create the product and bonuses that were only an outline. I wrote a letter back to my first customer telling him the material was going to be republished and would be available in 30 days – and that we would not charge his card until then.
And that was the start of my little info marketing empire.
My Dad was pretty flexible and let me continue using his office as my home base. I would seriously answer my cell phone under my desk when it rang with customers to talk to them or take orders. It got to the point where I was literally counting the minutes until 5pm so I could work on my own stuff. And then my Dad let me start taking Fridays off so I could work on my own projects.
The idea that I was somehow ‘betraying’ him and the family business was eating me up. I knew my heart wasn’t into his business anymore and I finally decided I had to break away. My Dad wanted me to grow his business and work with him side-by-side. I decided I couldn’t continue living my life under the expectations of someone else. I had to do what was right for me. And it was actually nearly 9 years ago to the day that I left the company – July 1, 1999.
It was bittersweet as they had a small going away party for me but I knew it was the right decision. Looking back, it’s was by far the best decision I ever made for my financial future. My Dad was worried that I might fail – but that’s okay too. Part of independence is getting your nose bloodied a little in the real-world.
Attending My First Seminar…
While studying and applying the direct marketing methods I began learning – I got sent an invitation to attend a high-priced copywriting seminar put on by Dan Kennedy. This was back in October 1998 I almost passed up an opportunity that I would later realize was the turning point in my business (and bank account).
My fledging information marketing business to doctors might have been pulling in maybe $2,000 or $3000/mo – so no great shakes. I was really hesitant and unsure about spending several thousand dollars and missing several days of work (both of which I couldn’t really afford) to head out to Phoenix to attend this seminar.
I asked my Dad about it and he was making fun of me and telling me I shouldn’t go. He would chide me (in his thick Russian accent) “Mr. Yanik, why do you want to throw away your money. If you have so much of it I can help you get rid of it. Don’t you already have enough of these books and tapes?”
But I bit the bullet and decided to go.
Frankly, if I had listened to him I know I wouldn’t be anywhere near where I am today. I can directly attribute that single event to the moment when several things all ‘clicked’ for me and I “got it”. I discovered the power of how to use words and turn them into cash windfalls. Of course nobody ever looks back on an opportunity they DIDN’T take and remembers that as the turning point in their lives. [Side note: Speaking of seminars and missing out on opportunities – there is a limited window to pick-up the Underground® 4 DVD & CD recordings. They go back into the vault on July 1, 2008.]
Personally, I’ve found that people regret the things you don’t do much more than you things they do. And that’s exactly how I want to live my life – not thinking of ‘shoulda’, ‘coulda’ or ‘woulda’s.
In fact, I believe most of what we consider tough decisions are really illusions that we’ve built up in our own heads. (btw – if you haven’t read the book Illusions by Richard Bach – get it!) Most of the really tough decisions are a whole lot easier once we reach that decision – it’s simply the wavering, the gestating, the thinking, the unease that comes from being in limbo that really hurts. But once the decision is done – there this wave of calm and tranquility that sweeps over me.
With that in mind – here are 5 things you can try when you are faced with a tough decision:
1) Think about what’s the worst case scenario – What is the worst possible thing that can happen if I make the wrong decision? With going off on my own – I had those wild thoughts of my Father disowning me. He might have been disappointed but he didn’t flip out.
2) Listen to your gut – this is huge! Don’t try to rationalize your way out of decision making – you’ve got incredible wisdom stored inside you that is willing to help if you allow it.
3) Create a deadline for a decision – if you give yourself an indefinite amount of time to decide on a course of action you’ll drive yourself crazy. Think of yourself as a high powered CEO of your own life who MUST make decisions quickly. Even if they are wrong 49% of the time – you’ll be ok more often than not.
4) Visualize your ideal outcome – anytime I have a real nagging dilemma or something I’m worried about I use my friend, John Harricharan’s, “Power Pause” exercise. You take 3 minutes (1 minute for each part) to think about #1 – What you want to happen. #2 – How you feel when this happens. #3 – What you are grateful for in your life.
5) Band-aid solution– you know how it sucks to pull off band aids (especially for us hairier people)? Well the secret is just pull it off quickly! Nothing is worse than paralysis by analysis. You’ll never have ALL the information you need. Get what you can – and do the best you can. Then move on.
And bonus decision making tip – flip a coin. That’s how I decided to propose to Missy. Seriously (shhh….don’t tell her)
Actually getting back to Missy. She couldn’t get a hold of M. so she came to clean our house as usual on Tuesday. Missy told her in-person that we weren’t going to use her anymore and M. seemed relieved. It seems that there were some other clients she wanted to work for but couldn’t because she was at our house on Tuesdays. There you go – all that angst and gut-wrenching turmoil could have been avoided.
Do you have a decision making technique you use that helps?
Or how have you made it through tough decisions in your life? If you’re comfortable leaving a comment on that – it’d be great to hear that…
What an awesome post, I really like your writing….Decisions are probably one of my worse traits, but the one thing I will say is your gut feeling will get more places then none, that little tickle you get just below your heart. When a wrong decision is made you always feel it, it just nags at you, but listen to it and you will succeed. Thanks for a great read…looking forward to more.
Yanick –
Thanks for the personal stories. you’re absolutely right about the regrets. When we sold our Yellow Pages company to Yellow Book, they waived a big salary, stock options and “security” to keep me on board.
I took the opportunity to co-found Weblistic.com, a search marketing company for local businesses.
We knew that local businesses wanted online marketing, and we knew that “somebody” was going to do it.
Long story short, two years later, we sold the company to Spot Runner, a full service advertising agency. In retrospect, I look like a genius, but it was all about deciding to not regret missing an opportunity.
Thank God I didn’t take the “safe” route of working for Yellow Book.
You rock. Keep up the great work.
Dick Larkin
“The Commando”
http://www.ypcommando.com
Yanik,
How do you always get the words just right?
Sometimes it isn’t easy to make the hard decisions…I remember when I decided to go fulltime online…before I was making the money. 50 hours weeks..no income…but 5 months later, it was well worth it (you helped me, you just didn’t know it…a $500 commission payment from you kept my faith high).
Anyhow, 2 years later, and I’m not looking back…and I appreciate what you have taught me along the way!
Sean
* Wow – cool! Amazing how that works – glad it came together at the right time. Sometimes you just need one thing to actually materialize when you go from thinking you can do it – to realizing you can. -Y.S.*
Yanik, awesome post. Your post made me realize that I have gone “against the grain” of my family’s expectations (especially Dad) for me for as long as I can remember. By reading your post it hit me that I have just about always followed my gut and when I didn’t things did not turn out well. Thanks for sharing and giving me some insight into my own success mindset.
There have been times when I have decided not to decide. Sometimes because I feel I don’t have enough information, but more often because I need more time to evaluate what information I have. This is also a decision to allow my unconscious to work on the problem as along with deciding not to decide I also consciously put it out of sight on my ‘back burner’ so consciously it ceases to be an issue.
Its amazing in how many cases the solution, sometimes very unexpected and creative, just ‘pops up’ and I know its right.
Of course I can only do this if I have enough time. Sometimes a decision is required quickly and then I just have to make the best decision I can. This when I rely mostly on my gut feeling – and also a feeling of rightness which is difficult to explain as sometimes it doesn’t obviously appear ‘right for me’.
Excellent story Yanik.
Every year I re-read the best book ever written (IMHBAO) about decision making “Yes or No” The Guide to Better Decisions – by Spencer S. Johnson.
Yep, the guy who is so well known for “Who Moved My Cheese” is the author of a fabulous and tiny book about a hike where each person presents a young man with a different part of the decision making path.
(The audio version is out of print but awesome if you can find it.)
I’m struggling with a huge decision right now – and was glad to be reminded of the ideas in your story.
Rick Butts
Hi Yanik,
Timely advice as I’m in the process of making some pretty big decisions right now.
Your story of buying your first home reminded me of my story when making that decision. At the time I was working part-time and I had been sharing accommodation with a friend but they were going to be moving which meant that I had to find somewhere else to live.
I wanted my own accommodation and, at the time, it was actually cheaper to buy a property than rent a property. However, with no savings and on a part-time wage I didn’t know how I was going to afford it. My mind was in turmoil.
So I set a date for making a decision about what I was going to do and then started to research my options more thoroughly. I decided to buy my own home even though I still wasn’t sure how I would pull it off but I had faith I could and I did.
I just kept taking a step at a time in a forwards direction and somehow, things fell into place. I too went with my gut instinct when it came to buying my home. In fact, I had a feeling that I would be buying that particular place even before I physically saw it.
And I certainly kept visualising the outcome I desired. These steps work.
The worse thing is being in a state of indecisiveness – nothing is accomplished in this state.
Nickolove
Yanik,
Nice post about making tough decisions. Everyone experiences these moments in life and it’s definitely not taught in schools.
I fully agree with your point on trusting one’s ‘gut’ feelings. The trick is knowing the difference between nervousness and doubt. The first is a natural response to difficult situations or interactions. The second is the clue that it may be time to go the other way.
There’s a flip side to creating deadlines. I call it the 24 Hour Rule.
Often we are faced with choices that create a large amount of instant pressure, either externally from people who demand our response or internally from our own emotional reactions. Making quick decisions in these situations can be unwise.
One fantastic solution is to give a 24 hour deadline. Most people appreciate a comment like, “I really need to consider this thoroughly. I’ll give you an answer in 24 hours.” It then provides enough room to let the emotional response subside in order to process the situation logically.
I’ve found it helpful on many occasions, either in giving me the room to see the faults with a direction I was being pressured to move in or in allowing time to see confirmation of what my guy already told me. Either way it helps in feeling more confident about the choices that have to be made.
And everybody has to make choices, every day.
Kirk
P.S. – Bethesda is a nice area! I’m currently working an internship with developmentally disabled adults and we head to downtown Bethesda every Thursday night with clients to listen to different bands play. After moving out here over six years ago from California, I guess Maryland’s not so bad!
* Ellis – great point. If someone is trying to pressure you to decide (i.e. a car salesman) – you need to be the one that instates the ’24 hour rule’. Perfect. -Y.S.*
[...] 5 Ways To Make A Hard Decision A Little Easier [...]
Yanik,
I love your blog and the advice you give. I started a career advice blog four months ago. Taking your advice, and modeling my blog after yours, I have begun to build up some traffic.
If you time to take a look at it, I would love your feedback.
Thank you,
Mike Edwards
mike@directyourcareer.com
http://www.directyourcareer.com
Yanik-Great post. As usual you mixed a personal touch with great advice.
I am learning to not put off decisions. The stress just builds and I eventually do it anyway, but why put myself though weeks of stress? Also, I’ve also learned to listen to my gut feelings. My decision is based on logic, but if my gut tells me otherwise I’ll call it off. I figure it is my subconscious catching the million of microscopic details and seeing something that is wrong or doesn’t fit.
Man you hit some great points. Buyers remorse, gut feelings, and just indecision. I think I have always relied on my gut feelings. Some great things have happened and some not great things have happened. I have learned that when I have made bad decisions that I cannot dwell on them. You need to learn from you mistakes and go on. Sometimes the best lessons in life come from mistakes.
I think the worst feeling is when you can’t make a decision.
Yanik-
So right on with this. I am horrible, but learning, wth the 3rd topic : “Making a deadline for the decision”. But it does work so much better than not doing it that way. I have had to realize that putting a decision off does create more internal stress than actually making a decison. Not making a decision or not taking action are both decisions or actions themselves. At least for me, based on the fears of the ” unknown” factors, mainly. I have worked pretty hard on ” if I fail, I fail”. ” Course corrections are allowed and frequently part of a more desired outcome”.
And at the same time, reminding myself not to get too attached to the
worst case scenerio itself. To me, that is just a variable. A possible outcome, and I can have it in a plan, accordingly. More of an okay, ” that” is out there and I won’t get knocked flat on my backside by it. In that, detaching some from what I feel the worst thing that can happen to me is not necessarily THE worst thing that CAN happen. Nearly everything can be corrected.
Visualization can come into play here. Create the images and focus on the goals. At the same time, keep in mind that I may not get everything I want with the ” exact name or face” in the exact time frame I believe it SHOULD happen. But if I don’t make any of those harder decisions; I am not likely to really get any of what I want to be part of making happen in my life.
I agree completely that it is important to listen to your gut. Is that hookey” Not really, from my viewpoint. It works for me. Another way for people to think of it is either, the number of times they have said to themselves something like ” I should have known better” or those times when they may have said something like ” I don’t know why, I JUST KNEW”. As Ellis Kirk pointed out above, ” knowing the difference between nervousness and doubt”. Sometimes we are nervous about ” good things” too. I look at the type of nervous. Am I excited and ready to GO. Or am I more like pacing and brooding over the situation/decision.
The last thing is that I am coming to look more at those kinds of decisions as a situation where I would be forced to make a quick/fast choice. Like driving and making a quick decision to slow down or change lanes. We generally just do that and not agonize over it for days on end. We realize pretty darn fast the best and worst outcome(s). Via that, I came to understand that I allow myself too much personal freedom in my personal life. I am frequently far too overwhelmed by the vast sea of options and just didn’t make enough action based decisions. Sometimes I have to reign that in a little by looking at it in a form of a business model.
What’s good for the ” business” ? Not a cold-hearted manner. What that really does is to force me to look at my life from outside of myself versus from inside of myself. I frequently find by doing that, that I have been internally obessing over (something) that from a more objective point of view didn’t matter as much as I was making it matter.
That’s what I have done and continue to work on doing. But first and foremost, I try to filter out the external and internal noise and listen to my gut.
i really enjoy post and i will lioke to be blogging like you i beleive in all your story. guy you are keep it off
Yanik –
It seems like everyone is “currently” or “just finished” wrestling with a big decision. Your post is timely for many, and I’m one of them.
I just took got offered half-a-dozen or so new opportunities… and decided to take 2 of them. The other 4 just didn’t “feel” right.
In the end, here’s what I usually do when I’m faced with a tough decision.
1. Write the pros/cons to see what the benefits, opportunities and potential downfalls are. Then I circle the really big ones on either side.
2. Weigh the value of the circled items on both sides against each other to see which one comes out the winner. (Even if the “Pro” side wins, that isn’t necessarily a “yes” for me.)
3. Once I have a “paper” decision, I compare that to my primary goals for the next year to see if they specifically support or detract from any of them.
4. Then I make a FIRM decision one way or the other and SLEEP ON IT for one night, giving my sub-conscious permission to review my decision while I sleep.
5. When I wake up, I usually know whether my decision is good or bad for me to move on.
An important part of this process is asking questions, whether or yourself or someone else. And the “gut” feel cannot be underestimated.
Thanks also for mentioning Illusions, by Richard Bach. A great book and one I think I’ll go get and read again – it’s been years. Another great book that many would have heard of is Jonathon Livingston Seagull.
If you are at all struggling with following your own path, living your dream and giving the world the best of YOU, go read the story of young Jon Seagull and you will amazed and inspired to “fly” in your own life.
– Paul
http://www.MillionairePrepSchool.com
* Great process of decision making. Thanks Paul for sharing and I agree on Jonathan Livingston Seagull. -Y.S.*
Hey Yanik,
Nice post… I just got back from Eben’s Guru Mastermind and there are a lot of these stories. They are definitely inspirational. I couldn’t help thinking about opportunities I passed up. One being working for my uncle in the oil business which now does around $2M/day. Huh… my $63/day’s or his… anyway. I don’t dwell.
Thanks for sharing.
Mike
Yanik – Your post rings true in so many ways. When I have hard decisions to make, the point I always come back to is that nothing I decide will be life or death to myself or anyone else. There isn’t a single decision I need to make that is really THAT important. I’ve made some doozeys that were both good and bad … but looking back I am thankful for all of them because they led me to where I am today. I have learned something useful from every single choice. Of course sometimes I learn the SAME things again and again … But I’m working on that.
Hi Yanik,
You really hit the nail on the head especially with paying attention to your gut. Every time I’ve gottin in “trouble” it’s been because I didn’t listen to my gut.
Someone said in their comments that the worst is when you can’t make a decision. I disagree I think the worst is when I make a bad decision because I didn’t listen to my gut! Cause I feel really bad afterward!
Thanks for your insights!
Great stuff as usual Yanik! Thank you.
Hey!
This is cool post, as the others have said already. I’d like to add one thing to your final tip: “flip a coin”.
I often do this because getting an outside opinion–flip a coin, ask a friend what to do–will tell you what you REALLY want to do!
Hearing that you “should” do the opposite of what you think you want will solidify the idea that you should definitely do it!
Finally, I really like hearing about how you did things in your “quarterlife” age–I’m at that point in my life, and I feel it can really be a turning point for life and business. I hope you will post more about how to steer yourself in your early adult years!
Thanks Yanik,
Alex
Hey Yanik, nice article!
I enjoyed the insight into your personal life aswell, I have always enjoyed that personal touch when reading online blogs. So much so that I have posted pictures of my recent trip on my Internet Marketing Blog. Check it out
Thanks
Ray Johnson
My feedback on your statements: “And my dad was pretty flexible”.
That’s because you are his son and he wants the best for you.
“He let me use his office as my home base while I was still working for him. Then he let me take Fridays off so I had more time to work on my own projects”.
So if you wanted to break away from his business, you should have done so without availing yourself of these amenities he so willing provided for you.
“The idea that I was somehow “betraying” him and the family business was eating me up”.
You were not betraying him; you were merely using him and his kindness free of charge, before leaving him.
“I knew my heart was no longer into it, and I had to break away”.
Nobody is faulting you for that. It’s how you break away – that’s important. If you want to go out into the world for yourself, by all means do so. But do it the way your dad did it — alone.
“My dad expected me to work with him side-by-side until he retired”.
All you had to do was sit down with him and explain your vision to him and he would have understood, because when he was your age he had his own vision too.
“But I couldn’t continue to live my life based on someone else’s expectations”.
This statement is the one that really pisses me off. He is not “someone else”, he’s your dad, your father. Have some respect!
“Looking back, it was by far the best decision I ever made for my financial future”.
If you only think in terms of a “financial future” then you have failed even before you have begun.
Family is everything.
Hey, I need some help…. I cant decide, ……about staying in a job that is a mix of some days liking it and other not, or leaving and finding something new. I cant decide, my gut feeling is telling me to go, but my logic and head say stay, also as the job market is still not so great, though getting better (Europe) and I need to decide soon as the contract is coming up for renewal or not. It’s been about 3 weeks now and I cant decide what is best. I am stressing now and getting into the paralysis stage! Any help welcome?